Hope and Fear...

This was the theme for our church service today. The second Sunday of Advent. Season of waiting, anticipating, preparing... When the speaker was getting into his message, and started to speak of Mary, and her hope/expectation for Jesus, her son, God's Son and how she must have been disappointed something struck me. Actually, several things struck me. I had never realised, that, as a Mum, Mary must have fought with all her strength to not run up the hill and carry that Cross herself, to continue in her "I am your servant, may Your word to me be fulfilled" attitude. I have prayed countless times that, when the boys are poorly, I would be the one poorly, so they wouldn't have to feel the pain. But what really, and I mean really, struck me was how strongly this idea of hope/disappointment spoke to me. How hope, which is eternal, alongside faith and love, is also so fragile.
We must hold onto hope gingerly, lest we crush it with the weight of our expectations. And lest our inclination to control even the outcome of what we would like to see happen blinds us to what God is bringing about. Take Mary, with her, understandable desire (in my mind's eye), to take His Cross, and his death and his pain away. Had she done that God's plan of salvation would have come undone, and this world would be doomed! But she stayed back, she bit back her disappointment, and she let go of her hope.
But she didn't just give up, I believe Mary offered up her hope, and waited to see what God would do.
Hope is a bit like a snowflake, fragile, strong, eternal... It keeps, hand in hand with faith and love. Hope is nourished by love, and it is validated by faith. It is informed by grace, knowing that in all things God provides, gives and works towards good in our lives. Because, at the end of it all, when all is said and done, these things remain, Hope, Faith and Love...

Not sure...

of what to write about... And that would be because I did have a few thoughts I should have written, and didn't, and now they are gone... Hopefully, they come back, and I'll catch them in writing next time... who knows...
The boys are both at school. That fact still strikes me as amazing. The boys... My boys, old enough to be at school... I dreamt of having children for so long, that having them seems quite odd. But they are very real, these dream boys of mine. Dreamt, prayed, longed, nurtured in my heart and soul for years. I prayed for my children in the same prayers I prayed for their future dad, and measured every guy I was in relationship with against that measuring stick... Do I want you as the father of my children? Maybe that is why it took so long for me to find him, my dream man... I wasn't really looking for a partner, I was looking for the parent. And it was only when I stopped and prayed for a partner for me that I found the missing parent for my children. Funny, that... I wouldn't have anyone else.
So, with the boys at school, I now have time... Time to clean the house, time to write, time to study, time to craft, time for me!!!! So much time. But it really is the same amount of time I've always had, and just a bit of adjusting circumstances makes it seem so much more. I wonder what else in my life I need to adjust circumstances for, and make bigger, more, different...
hmmm... talk about disjointed thoughts. More of a journal entry than a blog, but isn't a blog simply a journal that we are willing to share? Scary, that...

God is good... All the time

I've been chewing on this one for a few days/weeks now... Not just that God is good, but that all is grace (a concept highlighted so well courtesy of Ann Voskamp, at www.aholyexperience.com). I've been challenged to thanksgiving, not just for the good stuff but for all the stuff. If God is good all the time, and He always works things out for our good, and all is grace from His hands, then I really cannot pick and choose what to give thanks for. I need to give thanks for all of it. The thick and the thin, the sunshine and the rain, the days the boys are angelic with the days when they are not so much...
I am having a bit of trouble with this. I know it is not a new concept. Paul spoke of it in Phillipians, the Psalmist spoke of it often... But finding the will to say Thank you for another grey day, another day of telling the boys off is hard. I am working on the obedience aspect of it. Saying Thank You not because things are going so well, but because He is working all things for my good, the grey days, the sunny ones, the telling off days and the hugs one... I wonder if this is what Solomon meant in Ecclesiastes, that there is a time for everything under the Sun... Put together with Paul, does it then mean that there is a time for everything, but it is always time to be grateful and to rejoice in God? Not in our circumstances, but in the One who is above all those circumstances and Who is orchestrating them for His glory?

"We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.” C.S.Lewis

mmmh... So true!
I find writing almost cathartic, cleansing, and only bettered by clearing cupboards for its' ability to compose a confused mind...
But, reading about pursuing my own art, and about pursuing beauty, and seeking out grace makes me wonder what shape my art takes. What are the things that I long to do, when the boys are in school, when I have the time to put my mind/heart into them...? Could my "art" have more than one shape, be more than the one thing? I love to write... but in my mind's eye, come September, when Lucas is at nursery, I don't dream of sitting down to write. I dream of time to properly clean my house, time to read with no interruptions, time to pursue clients, and to study and maybe learn a couple more languages, maybe pursue further language/linguistic/translation studies. I dream of time to sew, and learn more about crafts. That sounds like a lot of art... Could I possibly do that? Is that really my art? or should I say are those really my arts? Or is motherhood my art? How do I pursue it? How do I embrace the beauty and find the grace in my day to day? And how to I do it before September, while we are all here, and full time school is not on?

so, how do you mend a broken heart?

I shouted "Go away" to one of my boys today. Out of frustration, anger, tiredness, whatever. He took it to heart... And it broke my heart to see him so heartbroken at my careless words. I suck at this whole thing of motherhood... It almost makes me angry to think that such precious lives as those of my two boys are under my care. Mostly, it makes me really come to my knees and ask God what the heck He was thinking of, when He trusted me with them! I apologised and asked for his forgiveness, which he did give me, bless him. I have promised I will never say that again.
And while I do wonder what God was thinking, I also must trust the the Omniscient One knows better than me, and knows me better than I know myself. And that He gives me grace for the journey, everyday, like the mana, it is there, fresh and new. So, I must not try to hoard it for the coming days, but I must look to Him everyday for His provision of grace, and love, and joy, and peace. And that, by His grace, I will truly be the mother these boys deserve, and need, and that, with His guidance, I can be an instrument in raising them to be His children, men after His own heart.
I don't know how to mend his broken heart. But I do know the One who mends mine, that is all I can offer my boys.

so, I'm thinking I should say Thank You...

It struck me yesterday, I should say Thank You to a few people who broke my heart a few years ago... (quite a few years ago, but that is beside the point, hehehe)
I have been trying to say "Thank You" to God more often for the life He has given me, for my husband, family and all His gracious gifts in my life... And it struck me, probably because I'd been thinking about that Adele song "never mind, I'll find someone like you...", I should say Thank you to Paulo for breaking up with me (both of them - I may have had an issue;)) They made me stronger in some regards, frailer in other matters, but, at the end of the day, they freed me from our doomed relationships and taught me a thing or two about being in relationship. I don't do regrets for the things that happened in the past. I am who I am today because of the path I have been on, and it has taken me a long time to like who I am...
So, I'll just put this out there, Thank you for breaking my heart, for loving me while you did, for freeing me when you did. I am really thankful for the life I lead today. I am very thankful for the husband and children I have been gifted with and everyday I find it a bit amazing that I went from the mess you left to here. God is gracious and He is good. And I am thankful...

just wondering...

Something struck me a little while ago, while reading a bit about God's faithfulness... Not that His faithfulness is in question. At.All! He is faithful! But how much I am blessed by the faithfulness of others in my life, who live out God's own in the flesh, day in, day out, doing what is necessary, what is good, what is simple... And even when I am too tired to ask for help, they faithfully step in, and fill in the gap, just like He does, filling in my emptiness with gladness. And I am happy, and thankful!